


Doctor, Heal Thyself

by StarTravel



Series: Defiance Through Tenderness [10]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, POV Julian Bashir, Sisko can out-dad anyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 10:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16830811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: Julian is annoyed, Garak is clever, and Sisko gives a loving ultimatum.





	Doctor, Heal Thyself

**Author's Note:**

> This continues directly after Specters.
> 
> Also, there is a nod to Kelas Parmak in this section and there may be a few more before the end. Just so I don’t give anyone false hope, I have never read “A Stitch in Time” or any of the other beta material for DS9 (or the other Treks). I’m more using Kelas in relation to Garak’s past in the Obsidian Order (I think he’s the Doctor Garak references in 3.21) and as a nod to Cardassians having different moral and political opinions. Kelas likely will not appear as a character given that I don’t know that much about Kelas beyond their moral views, profession, and fun braid haha.

Julian wakes up with a pounding headache, luckily easily cured by one of the hyposprays he keeps in his quarters for emergencies. What’s less easy to get rid of are the crystal clear memories of throwing himself at Elim. He’s relieved the other man kept him at a literal arm’s length.

Julian’s imagined his first kiss with Garak numerous times, the feel of those cool, slightly chapped lips against his own, or sliding down the line of his jaw. In these, sometimes Julian has just heroically rescued Garak from an attack, tuxedo slightly undone and his hair just the right level of wind blown. Other times Garak pushes him into a corner with a wide smile and a gaze full of secrets Julian can’t wait to unravel.

None of them have included Julian drunkenly sobbing against Garak’s second favorite vest.

“You were right.” Julian mutters as he presses his right hand over his face, pinching at his forehead lightly with his index finger and thumb. His headache still lingers in spite of the hypospray, and Garak’s little hum in response to his words isn’t doing anything to help. Julian finally opens his eyes, wincing slightly when he still sees hints of concern lingering in Garak’s gaze. This is not who he is. “About me being embarrassed.”

Garak tilts his head slightly, smile strained as he runs a hand across Julian’s hair gently. Julian swallows down the urge to either lean in to the touch or to flee. Neither would be fair to Garak. Instead Julian lets out a low exhale and allows his hands fall uselessly to his side. “I can imagine.”

Julian gives Garak a thankful smile for not pushing more than that, sliding to his feet. The floor is colder than usual and Julian shivers a bit as he avoids Garak’s gaze. There’s nothing to talk about if he gives nothing away. “I may have had too much to drink. I didn’t mean to but-”

“You were burnt out and upset from the loss of life on The Louisa.” Garak finishes for him, even though that’s not at all what Julian intended to say. Garak’s blue eyes are gleaming with something wistful, a warmth that is distinctly not for Julian. “ I understand. It remind me a doctor I once knew in Cardassia, though his pain came from other sources.”

“Something like that.” Julian agrees in more of a clipped voice than strictly necessary, trying to chase away the feeling that he’s a replacement for someone else Garak wanted to love. Garak will not tell him more than he already has and Julian has no right to his past or the people who made him feel something. He’s Garak’s friend, his bedmate for now, but when they return to DS9 … “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go back on shift-”

“Actually, Captain Sisko wanted to see you in his office as soon as possible.” Garak’s expression gives away nothing, gaze and smile equally blank. Julian lets out a pained sigh, not quite able to stop the heated glare or tight frown on his face.

“And you didn’t wake me up?” Julian snaps as he walks toward the edge of his bed, hurriedly grabbing his jacket from the floor. The material is wrinkled and a bit dingy, and Julian has no memory of taking it off last night. Julian purposefully doesn’t glance back at Garak to see the smug look on his face. He doesn’t need anyone taking care of him. Not unless it’s for good. And that’s not a possibility for him and Garak. It never has been.

Garak stands behind him anyway, reaching over to slide the jacket across his shoulders, strong hands gliding up his arms and coming to rest around his neck. Julian closes his eyes tightly and focuses on the feel of Garak’s firm grip. Then he twists around, letting out a low huff because they can’t do … whatever this is right now. “You seemed like you needed the rest.”

Julian rolls his eyes as he walks past Garak with a dismissive wave of his right hand. They’re all tired, it’s a real war and not one of his holoprograms. He might be naive, but he’s not so blinded by his idealism not to see the difference. Not when the bodies stare him in the face everyday.

******

Julian strides into Sisko’s office and straightens his spine as much as he can. He doesn’t want any hint of the weakness _Elim_ seems to have found in him to show through to Sisko. Not when his performance is apparently already under review. If he was just a bit better, a bit smarter or faster or - _anything_ , there would be 12 survivors from The Louisa instead of five. They all know that and Julian couldn’t blame Sisko if he wanted to replace him. “Doctor, it’s good to see you up and about.”

Julian swallows tightly and then takes a few shuddering breaths to keep his hands from shaking. The Defiant is as much his home as DS9 at this point, and Julian has nowhere else to go if Sisko sends him away. There is no other warship or base that wants a human who also isn’t and Julian won’t go back to earth. Not ever. “Captain, if this about the number of casualties from The Louisa-”

“We’re not here to discuss that. Over the past few weeks, a few of our crew members have come to me with concerns about your emotional health, Doctor.” Sisko’s voice is warm and reassuring, gaze surprisingly soft as he gestures for Julian to sit down. Oh. This might actually be even worse than he thought. Wonderful.

“A few or just one?” Julian asks and he quite keep the acerbic bitterness from his voice or the way he tilts his head, smirk more like the dagger Garak’s slammed into his back. Sisko frowns tightly, a tightness to his gaze that makes Julian look down in contrition.

“A few. Doctor - Julian. You’re exhausted, you’re emotionally drained, and frankly I’m worried it’s getting to the point where it might affect your work.” Sisko lists out his failures one by one, though his voice has none of the recrimination it should. Instead there’s something painfully gentle to his tone, to the way he says his name like Julian might as well be Jake. It’s the first time he’s used that tone with him since 2024 in fact.

Julian crosses his arms against his chest and swallows the yawn threatening to slide up his throat. He doesn’t think it would help his case right now. Not when not only Garak but Captain Sisko and God knows who else sees the fragile ghost this war has turned him into. It’s one thing for Julian to know, it’s an entirely different thing for anyone else to. “What exactly are you suggesting?”

“You’ve earned five days of leave from the past two months on The Defiant.” Sisko’s voice is still compassionate, but his gaze is firm. He spreads his right hand out in the desk with a flat palm, a tiredness to his gaze that Julian doesn’t think was there before. Maybe he’s not the only one who needs a break here.

“And you’re forcing me to take it?” Julian’s voice is barely more than a whisper, defensive and petulant in a way that makes him wince. It takes him a second to realize that it wasn’t internal, Sisko’s gaze softening again. Julian bites his lips and presses his palms together in a silent plea for mercy.

“Of course not. But I think it would be good for you. You’re an important part of this crew, we need you at your best.” Sisko’s voice is more of a warning than a suggestion. Julian lets out a low exhale, because he doesn’t think he’s getting out of this enforced vacation. Not if he wants to stay on the Defiant or DS9 for the entirety of this god forsaken war. The fact that he’s not sure is what scares Julian enough to give in.

“Fine, but then I want to go to Risa.” Julian’s words slip out before he can think of what to actually say, a little too fast and desperate. Sisko’s eyes widen comically, though there’s a hint of a smile on his face that only brightens when Julian’s mouth betrays him again. “And Garak has to go with me.”

Sisko grins wide at him this time, a hint of a laugh coming out as he shakes his head a little. “That could be arranged.”

******

“My dear, explain to me again why I’m coming with you on this little sojourn?” Garak murmurs in a voice that’s more curious than annoyed from where he’s sitting in the other chair of the roundabout. Garak taps his right index on the edge of his padd. He’s reading a Trillian play they’d been planning on seeing a year ago, before their relationship crumbled the first time and Garak went to prison for six months.

“I was mad at you.” Julian answers with a huff, leaning over to look Garak squarely in the eyes. He doesn’t want the Cardassian to miss any bit of his irritation after all. He is the entire reason Julian’s been forced on this trip, whispering about fragile doctors to Sisko and God knows who else.

And then he had the audacity to raise a judgmental eye ridge at Julian’s paisley beach pants and neon yellow tank top and suggest they buy him some new clothes. Just for _fun_ of course.

Garak lets out a rich chortle, shaking his head back and forth. When he stops laughing enough to meet Julian’s gaze, his expression is almost unbearably fond. Julian fights to hold on to his swiftly dissipating annoyance, to keep the besotted smile off his face. He’s still mad at Garak. “So you invited me to your stay on a resort planet?”

“Where you’ll have to sit on an oversized bed and watch me do research for four days.” Julian scoffs and crosses his arms more tightly across his chest, fingernails pressing into the skin of his arms lightly. He may he going on this farce of a leave, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to sit on a beach watching the ocean like he did last year. Not when he could be finding the cure for Ketracel white or the exact calculations needed to win the war, or -

Garak spins his chair around suddenly, firm hands reaching out to grasp Julian’s shoulders. He starts massaging the tense, sinewy muscle there. His grip is somehow firm and tender at the same time, and Julian can feel his plans slipping from his mind like the grains of sand he won’t be lying on next to Garak. “I don’t know how I’ll survive.”

“Shut up.” Julian mutters in a low voice, but he can’t fight the smile that comes over his face this time or the way he closes his eyes as Garak continues his ministrations. Julian hears Garak swallow tightly. When Julian opens his eyes, he sees a look of almost awe in the other man’s gaze and he wonders if he’s the first man to trust Garak enough to close his eyes while Garak held him like this.


End file.
